Uncle Lonzie's House of Profitable Sin

Hi, kids! It was brought to my attention that I haven't updated in awhile, so here I am! I hope youse all been good boys and girls (and Banter, behave!).

In case you hadn't heard, Grace and I are married now. Sorry, oni_senzo, but she's the girl for me! We mostly stick to Vanity Fair, though I've been doing business in the Terminal Cities like usual. A lot is changing there and you know how it is, I'm in the thick of the action.

So that's the good news! Everyone tell me what's been goin' on in your lives.

Hey kids! It's me! Long time no update!

So I'm living with Grace in Vanity Fair. We're gonna get engaged, as soon as the ring comes in. We need that fuckin' ring! Anyway, there ya go.

She could use some paid time and extra icons so she can get her pretty face back. I'd help her, but I'm kinda limited in this form right now. Anyone wanna help my baby out? She's cherryredfever, in case you forgot.

I'm mostly enjoying VF this time around, but replacing the security system's gonna be a bitch. I can't believe how outdated this crap is! And I'M the one who installed it!!

Ain't that how it always goes?

Who wants to buy me a paid account and some extra icons for my (belated) birthday?

C'mon, I don't ask for much! (Well, I don't!)

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

<td align="center">Your primary vice is drinking



You can always escape your troubles in a drunken stupor. Plus everyone knows your name at that little pub down the street.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

I have practiced yoga for a number of years, albeit inconsistently. When I remember to do it, it makes a good focusing exercise for both mind and body. Also excellent for releasing toxins and realigning the chakras, although I've been to the chakras and I like them about as much as I like the Essence Machine (which I've also been to).

Anyway, I don't do "power yoga" or anything designed to energize - I got enough energy to last, thanks. Yoga can be good for calming me down. Also for bringing a shred of discipline into my life. Unfortunately, my patience for discipline tends to be slim. Which is a damn shame because I like the way those stretches feel, and I'm pretty fucking flexible all on my own (aside from the occasional lower back problem, or malfunctioning legs).

Yoga is good for you. If you haven't, you should try it. It's a great way to pick up chicks.

- Jack Nicholson - Specializes in the insane version of me. Sample Me Movie: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- Steve Buscemi - Specializes in the weasely version of me. Sample Me Movie: Reservoir Dogs
- Christian Slater - Specializes in the hot young version of me. Sample Me Movie: True Romance
- Michael Keaton - Specializes in the dark kooky version of me. Sample Me Movie: Much Ado About Nothing
- Joe Pantoliano - Specializes in the version of me who makes bad decisions. Sample Me Movie: Bound
- Billy Bob Thornton - Specializes in the loveable asshole version of me. Sample Me Movie: Bad Santa
- Bill Murray - Specializes in the sarcastic version of me. Sample Me Movie: Groundhog Day
- Jack Black - Specializes in the manic version of me. Sample Me Movie: Petey Jackson's King Kong
- Joe Pesci - Specializes in the short, funny version of me. Sample Me Movie: My Cousin Vinny


...in addition to these gentlemen being fantastic actors, please note that they ALL have great eyebrows.

Studious magickal types! (I'm lookin' at you, gojiraeight...)

Now's your chance to get rare tomes of magick and lore at a LOW, LOW PRICE. Act now - this offer is definitely here today, gone tomorrow. UNCLE LONZIE'S ESOTERIC OASIS is open now, but it won't be forever!! Come on down and make us an offer!!!

We specialize in:

- Demon Summoning
- Books of Names
- Rare Magickal Scrolls
- Maps of Archetypal Realms
- Symbolic Languages

...and much, much more!

Buy something today and I'll throw in a vial of faerie dust from Sherwood Forest ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Come on down to the Oasis - before it's just a mirage!!!!

This is definitely gonna fuck up my layout. Oh well! It's too accurate to pass up.
These guys do belong to me, you know.


RACCOON - your daemon may be a raccoon. You are a
trickster. Your daemon's nimble hand-like paws
can help in the creation of pranks. You may
prefer the cover of darkness to pull off your
stunts. You may be fascinated by gadgets, and
are probably good at figuring out how things
work. Independent and fun loving, you love to
get the best of someone. You have no
pretensions about yourself. Crafty and clever,
you can adapt to any situation and find a way
to make it work in your favour.


What Is Your Daemon?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm waiting for you.

( Cut for awesomeness, but make sure you read it! )

I want someone to come hang out with me in the Purg over the next few days.

Any takers?

Otherwise, I'm just showin' up and one of you better be there.

Or more than one.

Bring presents!

Rumors of my debauchery have been greatly exaggerated.

Little-known fact:

Most of my childhood has been recorded via comedy, particularly of the cartoon or non-human variety.

You can see me at roughly age 8 as Foamy the Squirrel,

Then move onto my antics around the age of 10 as Eddy,

Then experience my glory on the cusp of adolescence as Crow T. Robot,

And finally, you can witness my blossoming puberty as Strong Bad.

After that, I'm afraid, you're on your own for a few years (although conspiracy theorists are debating whether Rushmore encapsulates my teenage years)...but you can definitely see me making a fool of myself during my young adulthood in True Romance.

(The later periods of my life have been well documented via film and TV and don't really bear much mentioning, mostly 'cause I'm bitter about it.)

All this oughtta keep you occupied for the next ten years or so. Enjoy!

...happy belated Exmas. I hope you all got diahrrea and spittle in your stockings.

And if anything broke, GOOD!

Hey, kids.

So if I threw a party, how many of you would come? Would you bring guests? What would you wear? Would you eat the steak or the chicken? Both? Dance to a DJ or a band? Both? Would you bring me a little present for being the host? Maybe a few little presents? Would you wear edible underwear? No underwear? Eat the Pick-Up Stix or shoot up the Pink Luau before I got to 'em? Participate in the orgy? Melt the ice sculptures with your body? Fuck me? Fuck everybody? Drink highballs until I looked good?

Get back to me on this, it's very important.

Sun's going down. Like a big bald head.
Disappearing behind the boulevard. (Oooeee.) It's Sharkey's night.
Yeah. It's Sharkey's night tonight. And the manager says: Sharkey?
He's not at his desk right now. (Oh yeah.) Could I take a message?

And Sharkey says: Hey, kemosabe! Long time no see.
He says: Hey sport. You connect the dots. You pick up the pieces.
He says: You know, I can see two tiny pictures of myself
And there's one in each of your eyes. And they're doin' everything I do.
Every time I light a cigarette, they light up theirs.
I take a drink and I look in and they're drinkin' too.
It's drivin' me crazy. It's drivin' me nuts.

And Sharkey says: Deep in the heart of darkest America.
Home of the brave. He says: Listen to my heart beat.
Paging Mr. Sharkey. White courtesy telephone please.

Only the internet can tell me what I'm doin' and who I am. In this case, Google. Primitive but still very effective, doncha think?

- Alonzo needs to be put back in his place.

- Alonzo needs to do more than just swing blindly! (It's gotten me this far, though...)

- Alonzo needs this money very badly.

- Alonzo needs every bit of the time because of his physical and mental disabilities.

- Alonzo needs a way out. (Fuckin' understatement...)

- Alonzo needs all the solo lines he can get! (I've been sayin' that for years!)

- Alonzo needs to stay retired.

- Alonzo needs to keep his hands off of her.

- Alonzo needs to check himself.

- Alonzo needs new units sent on disk via snail mail. (They'll never reach me that way.)

- Alonzo needs to go back and read the newspapers and realize that the media is
biased.

- Alonzo needs help recruiting new members, which in turn helps us get those much
needed citizens. (That's what ShinRa said, too.)

- Alonzo needs to lighten up the delivery on some of his jokes. (AllofasuddenBOOM!)

Free. For approximately, oh, five minutes?

Story of my life, toots.

Occasionally, your primitive rock 'n' roll is kinda hot.

"CAREER OF EVIL"
by Blue Oyster Cult

I plot your rubric scarab, I steal your satellite
I want your wife to be my baby tonight
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
You're mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil (repeat three times)

Pay me I'll be your surgeon, I'd like to pick your brains
Capture you, Inject you, leave you kneeling in the rain
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
You're mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil (repeat three times)

I'd like your blue eyed horseshoe, I'd like your emerald horny toad
I'd like to do it to your daughter on a dirt road

And then I'd spend your ransom money, but still I'd keep your sheep
I'd peel the mask your wearing, and then rob you of your sleep
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
You're mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil (repeat seven times)